Is this Gratitude?

gratitude-rockI have been on a long journey.  A journey that started about three years ago.  I found myself at random times up all night crying uncontrollably because I was conflicted about my father.  I believed him to be a fine upstanding respectable person, and wished I could just forgive him and go back to forgetting.  I tried to forget, I tried to ignore.  But over and over, about a month apart I would be overcome by sobbing fits that would last all night. Continue reading

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Childloss

BabyAngelCloudsSomething dies inside of a mother when her children die, her unborn children die, or her opportunities to have children die. Maybe it could also be said that something dies inside of a woman when her opportunity to have children die.

Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD:
and the fruit of the womb is his reward.
As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man;
so are children of the youth.
Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them:
Psalm 127:3-5 (KJV)

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Frozen

frozen womanThe truth is I am frozen somewhere between a midlife crisis and … tried four times, and I could not put down and what.

Part of me says, after 3 miscarriages in a row, a house fire, two moves… you are just exhausted.
Part of me says, get over that, the fire was back in march 2007.
Maybe it is a matter of health, I stopped taking my meds for herbs, and now have stopped taking my herbs for… ?
Yes health is a factor for sure.

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Angel Baby #3, Family Planning

BabyAngelCloudsUnfortunately I just lost another baby at the end of May. As best I can tell this is Angel baby #3, but there may be 4. This miscarriage started rather early, I never knew I was pregnant until my miscarriage started. I think I might not have realized that it was a miscarriage if I had not already been through them, this was one for sure. For me this miscarriage has been totally different. For me it helped that I never ‘knew’ I was pregnant, and that it was so early, and especially because I ‘let’ it happen. Continue reading

5 4 3 2 1 Launch!

5It is so sweet to come on here and find comments to my blogs… Mostly I write on here for myself.. But it makes it all the more fulfilling to see comments.. Thanks..

Big Sigh… I feel like I got the worst of it out of my system. :). I have truly been having a crazy year.. Continue reading

My two Angel Babies

BabyAngelCloudsThank you fellow bloggers for checking in on me. The last post and this I think will be a part of a series of post in which I try to understand and resolve my feelings around the last year. That last entry did help. 

I have been so dismayed, and felt that the Lords plan was not fulfilled in the miscarriage. I think it was a misunderstanding I had in interpretation of inspiration. I was inspired to give my baby boy a body, and to me that meant a life here on earth. Thus I proceeded to plan his future, and imagine him happily playing with his older brother.  Continue reading

My Anxious Little Angel Boy

BabyAngelCloudsShortly after my young 2yo son was born I had the strong feeling that my family was not complete. That an anxious little boy was waiting up in heaven to get the opportunity to have a body. This impression never left me. Each month when I was fertile I could feel the call to get pregnant and give this anxious boy spirit a body. I was not shy in telling others this. Already I had four children “enough” by the social standard and people around were starting to put pressure on me to be happy with only my four. At each of these moments I told them with complete confidence that I knew one more child was to come into my family. I stopped short of saying one more boy, for that fact seemed to be between me and the Lord. Continue reading