Re: Forgive me… (Seriously!? This is all you got?) from my DH

45c9c-dhprofileLetter to my Sister#1 from my Dear Husband.

To Sister in Law #1,

I get it. After watching conference you wanted to feel better about what you did to Jeanine, so after a few minutes of thought you barfed some half-baked apologetic sounding ideas on to your key board and sent them.

Not OK.

If you actually re-read carefully the first paragraph of your initial message you will realize that you have not apologized for any of your actions (no one in your family ever does). You have instead apologized to Jeanine for her own emotions (which is what everyone in your family always does), while simultaneously admitting that you don’t even know what those emotions are. (PRO TIP: the phrase “I would guess” really has no place in any serious apology letter). What’s the matter? Couldn’t you think of a way to be more rude to her than YOU apologizing to HER for her own feelings (which you can only guess at), while feebly professing that you held good intentions?

I must say, however, that you really brought your A-game when you offered her forgiveness for the frustration that you felt over her lack of communication. That was really rich. YOU forgive HER for not bringing you into her confidences and not treating you as a friend and ally after you withdrew your support from her (which is the functional equivalent of supporting of her abuser) in the battle that was really her last remaining opportunity for any authority structure to officially respond to the abuse that she suffered (which, by the way, you really don’t know the half of – trust me). Very nice touch indeed. I must say, it’s mighty big of you to forgive her after she hurt you so deeply that way. (Why do you guys always blame the victim? BTW that was rhetorical, don’t respond)

“But,” you say, “how can I know what Jeanine’s feelings are if she won’t communicate with me?” And you see that’s just it. If we are talking about you wanting to actually apologize then Jeanine’s feelings don’t even enter into it. You can only apologize for actions or words that you are responsible for, and any feelings that Jeanine may, or may not, have had are at best secondary to the conversation. Heaven forbid that you would actually put some thought into what you did, what YOU did, and make a specific apology for your own actions (rather than focusing on Jeanine’s reaction to your actions).

Thankfully there is no need for you to apologize at this point, and honestly it’s really better if you don’t make any further effort. Jeanine told you in her reply not to write again unless you have some real proof, some real evidences to show that you believe and respect her. I’m now telling you NOT to write again EVER. If you were ever going to get this it would have happened by now. So don’t write/call/etc. Not for any reason. This is not the first time this request has been made, and it keeps being ignored – so I am reiterating it. Even if you think you have evidences to show that you believe and respect Jeanine, don’t write. Don’t write to tell us about births. Don’t write to tell us about weddings. Don’t write to tell us about funerals. DO NOT WRITE OR CALL OR ATTEMPT TO COMMUNICATE AGAIN FOR ANY REASON WHATSOEVER! (including, and especially, conference talks!)

Your last opportunity to have a relationship with Jeanine has already passed. If there was ever a time for you to support her and cement your connection with her it was when she was bringing the abuse before the church. That was a situation in which impartiality was not really a choice for you. Your job was to take a side. And you did. You chose that moment of maximum vulnerability to betray Jeanine. Nicely done. But hey, at least now we know who Sister 1 really is. When the chips are down, when it really counts, when your confidence and composure matter most, and when you need to know more than at any other time that someone has your back, Sister 1 has got your back alright. She is the one with her hand on that dagger sticking out of it.

Jeanine has been suicidal for over a year now (since the very day of your betrayal in fact), and every time any one of you tries to make contact with her it gets more serious. At this point she is medicated and seeing a therapist twice a week. So if your intention is to threaten Jeanine’s life or to see her institutionalized then by all means please send more email’s, please call, please send cards, candies, flowers, and pretty please plan a surprise visit for the holidays (or at least leave a package on the door step on Christmas-Eve).

If not then GO THE HELL AWAY!!! Go as far and as fast as you can, and don’t ever even look in this direction again. You can do only harm here. You have long ago squandered any power that you may have once had to make a positive impact in Jeanine’s life. The very idea of you has become toxic to Jeanine. So if you want to pray, then pray that somehow Jeanine can forget you.

No, you don’t get any more chances. None of you do. Not now. Not later. Not ever. All of you are utterly and completely done. Utterly and completely out of last chances. You are become anathema. Perdition. A naught with no rim.

There is a special place in eternity for betrayers. May the mountains fall upon you to hide you from the wrath of a just God until someday eternity forgets that ever you called Jeanine kin.

From Jeanine’s Dear Husband

PS. Let me stop dropping hints and be clear. I am writing this in hopes that this level of unfiltered forthrightness will motivate you, all of you, to leave my wife (and I, and our children) utterly and completely alone FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES. Therefore, I ask you to share this message, its text, its context, and its spirit, with your siblings and progenitors. If you really are sorry for your role in any of this then I think that fulfilling this request is the very least that you can do. But either way, do not reply.

PPS. Jeanine wants you all to know that the Stake President interrupted her and spoke over her at the most painful parts of telling her story. And he repeated back to her her mothers and her fathers controlling words just as they would have come from their own mouths. And that and he didn’t take her seriously enough to even call her therapist or the other experts that had relevant things to say about the abuse. Her parents got to him first and it worked. And Sister 1 & Sister 2 betraying her hit her hard before she even went into see the Stake President and undermined the meeting. She was suicidal after that betrayal, and before she ever went to see the Stake President. And she came out of that room (the same room where the church mishandled the abuse when she was 12-13) she came out of that room re-traumatized and she still hasn’t recovered.

Leave me Alone


6 thoughts on “Re: Forgive me… (Seriously!? This is all you got?) from my DH

  1. So here are the letters…

    Dear Jeanine,

    As I was listening to conference today, I realized that I needed to ask your forgiveness for the way I made you feel in the days leading up to your meeting with dad’s Stake Presidency.

    I am not exactly sure how I made you feel. I would guess that you felt that I wasn’t supporting you. You may have also felt that I betrayed you. That is not how I wanted you to feel. How I wanted you to feel was that I wanted you to receive a fair hearing and justice. I am sorry from any sense of betrayal or disloyalty from me.

    I imagine that what dad’s Stake Presidency decided was not what you had hoped for or what I had expected (or recommended that the Stake President do).

    I also realized that I needed to forgive you for the frustration I have felt towards when you will not talk with me, since then. I guess that the decision did not provide you with the peace you had hoped for and that it is more peaceful and healing for you not to associate with any of your family.

    I love you.

    Your sister,
    Sister #1

    To Sister #1

    There is so much. That you are so far off on. That it would take a lot more then this for me to ever consider that a relationship with you would ever be viable again. I frankly will no longer tolerate being treated the way you and other family members treated me, ever again. I want all or nothing. Either you believe me, and respect me, or you are not part of my life. Period. Please do not write again unless you have some real proof, some real evidences to show that you believe and respect me. All other communications only cause me distress and are of no benefit to my life.

    From Jeanine

    To Jeanine

    Thank you Jeanine for your honest communication.

    Very kindly and respectfully,
    Sister #1


  2. FYI, This statement “a fair hearing and justice” aligns up with other statements she made… that basically meant.. I do not really believe all you have to say… but I think you should get your chance to say your confused statements anyways….


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