Dare I write a post about this topic?
My good blogger friend Grace to Survive just wrote about this topic Childhood Losses Due To Abuse. If you are not a survivor of sexual abuse you may need to read her post to understand this post in context. Those of us who have been abused struggle with intimacy.
We had a magic break through. One time, in the last year, my hubby gave me some great complements during intimacy. Something woke up inside of me for the rest of that week that had never before been there. I had never realized how stiff and forced intimacy was until that week when it was so free and easy all of the sudden.
Then the next week he accidentally said something mildly negative during intimacy. Boom, I shut off, I wanted nothing to do with him, not even his touch. He wanted to know what the change was. I was puzzled too. Eventually I figure it out.
We made a standard/ rule of going out of our way to be positive and complementary towards each other during intimacy. Also, we established a standard of no expectations, I would do what I wanted, when I wanted, how much I wanted. You see, I had learned I needed to be sexually open to keep a man. (I learned this because my father blamed his sexual abuses of us girls on the fact that my mother was sexually closed off. I do not think she was, I think that was his excuse.) So I unfortunately realized during this time how much I was going out of my way to be available even when I was stressed. I placed high expectations on myself, he never did, he never knew I did, he was sad and disappointed to hear that I did.
After these standards of be complementary and no expectations were in place what followed was me feeling more open and free then I ever had. It is so sad to think how shut off, stiff, stressed, and forced I had been in intimacy all this time.