After I wrote up my reply in my art journal I started to maybe hope that the good in my mothers letter could be true. I printed out my blog posts “My Mothers Battle with Doubt” and “Sadomasochists number one weapon“. I planned to send them along with my hand written letter to my mother. In hopes that the part of my mother, that I know is still there, trying to fight against my father, might be able to look at truth and decide to fight back against his abuses harder.
I told my plans to my husband. He is concerned that it will open up a long drawn out emotional set of communications by letter, as we have tried in the past. He is afraid the letters will take a lot out of me, have a huge emotional effect, lead me to hope, and then drop me in a pit of disappointment, as they have in the past. Additionally he is very concerned that I just came out of six months of being suicidal because of my attempts to report my father to the church. He says he cares nothing for my family, and only is concerned for me. He says he is not willing to risk me, to loose me, to my efforts to save my mother. He says my mother must leave that pedophile and be out of his home for a year, before he would consider it safe to communicate with her in any way.
I told him that a huge communication wall was put up between my mother and me as I prepared to report my father to the state and his church. It was always my plan, a major part of my plan, to reveal all of my reports to my mother after I was done with the state and the church. I told him that I have no idea what my mother really thinks because I have not allowed any real communication with her. I told him I know that woman is still fighting against the abuse. Maybe, just maybe she is genuine in what she says in her letter. I do not know if I do not give her a chance to tell me. Maybe just maybe if I tell her the truth she can be strong enough to break free.
My husband understood all of my points and told me I should talk to my T before I make any decisions….. But… I planned to talk to my T about what was causing my husband and I to fight all weekend….