When did I become so jaded, protected and pessimistic?
It was after I reported my father to his church, was talked down to by his church leaders who would not consider my witness against my dad valid, and was back-stabbed by my sister whom I thought was my best friend.
That is when.
It is amazing the side effects this has had. It does not seem logical to me. But this is something that operates in the realm of emotions.
I am like this picture, I have a black wall up between me and the world, constantly defending from sneak attacks.
I don’t really want my wall to come down. I don’t really want to stop feeling pessimistic. This way, all walled up and upset, is safer.
But I remember how I was before, and admire hope and optimism in others when I see it… sometimes… Other times I am skeptical of it.
Sometimes I think I want my hope, my optimism, my softer/ less angry side back. But then I remember how much safer this feels.
I wonder where I will go from here?