For someone who did not have a perpetrator father this topic might hold simple meanings. For me it could not be more complicated. Essentially my father mimicked God. I depended on my father to direct me in all things, I leaned on him in all things. Even as I try to lean on the Lord and believe that his ways are not my fathers ways, I feel panic inside.
“Lean on the Lord in every thought, doubt not, fear not.” This is not east for me.
But it is always more complicated… it always is.
Today my husband told me that using silhouettes for my images is so fitting. He says that when I talk I can give the general outline of what things are like but I can not give the whole experience. My husband does his best to try to understand me and my experience. But he knows all he is really getting is silhouettes.
“Let go and let God.” Is very complicated for me.
The “God” that was trained into me was a perfectionist. He expected 100% of my energy to be focused on fulfilling his every whim, but all that effort was not good enough. In fact my effort and my results were worthless. This is the “God” of my super ego.
When I am trying to follow the “God” of my super ego I work my self to exhaustion. Get depressed and confused because it is impossible for me to be perfect. And feel worthless.
In testimony meeting at church I started again to feel the importance of leaning on the Lord. And then a new idea and inspiration came to my head. If I lean on the Lord he will lead me to peace, joy, and acceptance of my weakness.