I am the survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse and incest. The pedophile that abused me was my father. By my father, I was sexually abused (most likely for years, starting very young), mentally abused, emotionally abused, and spiritually abused. I was then brainwashed to believe that I experienced nothing but love and care, no abuse. In addition I was raised by a mother that sent the negative patterns down hill. My mother physically abused me, and had a co-dependent relationship with me. She needed me to need her, she needed me to be broken, she needed to constantly rescue me. But even more negative stuff rolls downhill. To my siblings I was the silly person that could never do anything right, unworthy of respect of any kind. If I ever received anything that resembled decent human treatment, I was indebted to my siblings, or whoever deemed to bestow any goodness on me. I lived life as a mess up, cracked up, mistake, thanking and praising all around me for any hint of value.
I married young to a wonderful man who loves me and cares for me. Not long into our marriage he started questioning my relationship with my parents. I was clueless to the abuse. It took me fourteen years of marriage before I was willing or able to go into therapy for the sexual abuse, and even then I had no idea about the extent of my abuse. It took me about four years of therapy before I was strong enough to report my father to the state and to his church. When I did I was stabbed in the back by my family members who wanted to protect themselves. Now I am a lone woman, with no family connections except for my husband, my children and my husbands family. But life is simpler without my manipulative family. No, that is not fully true! I can not forget my few and precious cousins who love and support me, because of their support I still have some family on my side, and I am delighted to call them my family and my friends.
Why am I anonymous? The reasons for this might be so obvious that you my not see the need to ask the question. But I ask myself this question all the time…. Why am I anonymous? Often I think I would prefer to break out of silence boldly and tell everyone. But I know why I am anonymous. I remain anonymous because frankly I am not emotionally strong enough to take the backlash that would follow from my family if I went public. I know what they would unleash on me, and I know my weaknesses, and sadly so do they. They would hit me where I am weakest, they would hit me where it would break me emotionally. I have nothing to hide, and the horrid acts I speak of are not my own. So I often find myself wishing I could just go public. But I know my triggers, and so do they, and I will not be able to emotionally stand up to what they would unleash on me. Which is convenient for them, life is simpler for them if I am silent, if I am anonymous. But I am only a woman doing my best in life. I did not have the power to overcome the statute of limitations. I did not have the power to overcome my dad’s church leaders who believe the lies. And I do not have the power to overcome the backlash they would send against me if I spoke out. So my ID remains tucked away under Mia, I hope enough of me spills out in my writing and doodles that you, my readers, can still feel connected with me.
This blog post was lost when my Mia Thriver Blog went down. Thankfully I found the text in a chached version of this page. The cache also included comments that were posted on this blog. These comments can be seen in the above image.