Where Life Throws me off a Cliff

life cliff eye fix
Where life throws me off a cliff. Just to see if I can handle it!?? Not my favorite moment! Tune in… Sometime in the future…. To see what I do next? And when will I figure it out?  ~ Doodle by Jeanine A Thriver

I lost something of my self in this whole process… Which can be good… Like a blank slate waiting to be remade…. But it does not seem to be that way….

There are two things going on…. One is I feel I have to produce an unrealistically high quality in order to have it be good enough for the for others.

And then… I have the worlds largest work dance…. I was physically and mentally abused around the topic of cleaning by my mother.  I can dance around work all day…. Normally time to work starts with the basic feeling of I am not good enough… So I have to start with figuring out what is good about me.  Then the feeling I do everything wrong. So I have to figure out what I do right… Then the feeling that nothing I do is good enough… So I have to figure out how to do it good enough.. and on and on… Until it circles back and  I have gotten nothing done…

And then.. .this thing I lost… a piece of myself? I am not sure… One of my greatest strengths in life is that no matter how many times I was beaten down I got back up fighting.  I can not tell you how many innumerable times a year, for my whole life, I have gotten beat down, and came back fighting…. My Therapist says that many people would have quit long before I did.  But I never quit, I never gave up, I just kept fighting… But… I don’t have that any more…. Maybe I got knocked down one too many times?  Maybe I just don’t care? Maybe I just don’t believe?

Every now and again I have a good day and I am like… “yay! I have gotten my old self back! i am going to get so much stuff done..”  But then that moment passes, and it is just a short moment, not a pattern, and I am back wondering when I will want to care to do what is needed again.

I don’t know what is wrong.. and I don’t know how to fix it… and I am struggling with this in every aspect of my life… I keep thinking that if I am excited about it I will do it… But nothing ever seems good enough… or something like that.. I am not sure…

I wish I had a better idea of what I need, or what I can get done.  But I am feeling kind of lost. I hate burdening people… and I am not sure I feel right about venting this openly… But I am hoping this writing about it will help me figure it out.

All of my life I have been chasing after the unattainable…. Pleasing my family… being good enough for them… having a healed and happy family…. I believed that that process of telling the church about the abuse would help heal my family… and I know based on my experience with my Grandmother Guardian Angel.. that I needed to do that…. and maybe they will heal in the long run….

But for four years I have been preparing for this… it took that long because of my sheer fear…. and… in the end…. everything blew up as a bad as I feared…. I tried to have faith and believe in something better… But my worst fears were realised… well… no.. it could have been worse… but the only reason it is not worse is because I decided I was not strong enough to warn my fathers neighbors and other acquaintances…. then.. boy howdy… it would have been an emotional mess and bomb against me… my family is prepared for that fight.. all of them… and they would win it… and I am not strong enough…

The plan was… go to counseling.. face your abuse.. tackle your fears.. and walk away a victor… But I seemed to have missed the memo or instructions on how to walk away a victor… I am floundering more now then I was before…

Maybe I need to figure out what the meaning of life is…. now that I have checked those major things off of my to-do list…

I need to figure out how to see life… Inside I get stuck in only seeing where I am wrong, not good enough, messed up… and I get stuck in seeing how I should be perfect, super woman, do everything right…. I don’t even know how to see the world in a healthy way… sometimes when I am trying to motivate myself to engage with life I hear my internal dialogue and know that it is not right…

I hope in time I will figure it out… find the chapter in life’s manual about walking away the victor…

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2 thoughts on “Where Life Throws me off a Cliff

  1. No one is a victor. Your parents committed horrific crimes against you and your sisters cleave to the idea of a fantasy family. Nobody wins when a child is so traumatically wounded and she tries to grow with a still gaping wound. But you do. You are.

    “Inside I get stuck in only seeing where I am wrong, not good enough, messed up… and I get stuck in seeing how I should be perfect, super woman, do everything right”

    That is the work. To confront all their voices that have become yours echoing in your head. Confront each one, each and every time, all through the day. Day after day.Is that really true, the things you are hearing or saying to yourself? Change the tapes, re-groove the record. “I am good enough. I don’t have to be perfect. I am special, worthy, and belong just as I am.”
    Keep at it. You are worthy.
    Is is so hard to go on without a ‘home base.’ But you have the strength to make your own ‘home’ within yourself and with your husband, kids, cousins, and true friends, making a real family who really loves and cares for you. (along with number one, You!)

    Liked by 1 person

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