There is part of me that still imprisoned by my perpetrator father, imprisoned in a way so cleaver I cant find a way out of it.
I think the worst torture a victim can live through is knowing that their perpetrator could still be perpetrating on someone else. I don’t directly know of anyone else that he is perpetrating on, but that is only based on opportunity. I don’t know everything. I don’t know how many other victims he had. I do for sure see the pattern of him setting himself up to be the helpful neighbor so he could perpetrate. How many of my neighbors that he helped was he actually perpetrating on. Part of my mind has to assume that if he went out of his way to be “helpful” then he for sure was also perpetrating on them. I have to believe in the person my dad has shown himself to be, and not the person I want him to be.
It feels like the one way to be let out of this prison is to somehow make it so he can no longer find victims. The only way people can protect themselves against him is to be educated and suspicious of him. Hence the only way people will be suspicious is if they know he perpetrated on me. In a way I am responsible if he has the opportunity to perpetrate on others, because if they don’t know, it is because I have not told them. It is like to defend against my dads heinous acts I have to be willing to step forward and tell people I was his victim. But as I do that I open myself up to huge social consequences. How do I know what it means to others, how others will see me.
One of the social controls my father placed on me was to socially invalidate me. Socially I am not considered to be of value, I am considered to be untrustworthy over dramatic. How am I suppose to trust that the community my father kept me imprisoned in and invalidated in, how can I believe that they can accept me? But even still unless I let my victimization be known I allow my father to continue to perpetrate.
If I tell I was a victim then people will feel like treating me in many different awkward ways. One is that poor little girl who cant get anything right, no wonder why. The other is that mean spirited emotional person has to ruin her fathers life because she has emotional issues of her own. The other is that strong survivor, how strong it is of her to stand up to so much. But I am habitually trained to act socially to set myself up to be in one of the first two social places, it is where I feel natural, it is where I lived imprisoned for most of my life. I do things all the time that place me in the position of being weak or messed up. I can not pull of the persona of being the strong one, I fall hopelessly off of all pedestals. If the news spreadsthere is nothing I can do enough to portray enough that I am strong, and so I will be seen as weak and messed up.
And yet not stepping forward and telling others is evidence that I am under his controls. Not being strong enough to warn others is evidence that I am weak and imprisoned still. I want to be free from my fathers prison. I want to be strong enough to accuse him socially but the social ramifications of stepping out and accusing my father are enormous for me. I want to step free and tell others, warn others. But I am imprisoned because I know that it will effect how people view me and I don’t like that.