Good Days and Bad Days

MMama3Today seems to be a medium day. I am not sure if I ate something with aluminum in it. I am still not being ultra vigilant in my AAT, I read labels and avoid many foods, but there are still areas where I could be exposed to aluminum. My brain is feeling clogged, and I am stressing about things more. The more I stress the more my brain feels clogged. Thankfully my husband is home today. We will be filling up a dumpster, and sending in more mortgage documents.

It makes sense that exposure to aluminum can cause good days and bad days. I wonder if other factors also cause good days and bad days.

The last time I had to move from our temporary housing back to our home after the fire was huge challenge. Granted I did go through some miscarriages around the time of the move. But I remember a very dark month where I spent many hours alone crying and willing myself to live. I am a very prideful person, all my life I have been treated somewhat as an incompetent person. All my life except for in my new ward. So when I am having personal struggles the first thing I try to do is hide my incompetence. I look back, when I was so low and struggling so hard, and I still attempted to fulfill my primary and activity days callings, only hinting at my struggles if the topic could not be avoided. That was such a dark time when I had to actively fight the urge to be suicidal. I am out of that scary place thankfully. But I am still very stressed and emotionally volatile. I also feel lazier or more run down less hopeful. What I am trying to say is I do not believe I have as much strength to fight if I were to experience a nervous breakdown.
I do not feel I am lacking in opportunities for personal growth right now. It feels like I am moving, decluttering and remodeling all on my own. Because of how much my husband works. Many wonderful people have offered to help us. But I can not have them help. Part of it is my incompetence pride. I fear that if I rely on anyone I prove my incompetence. But there is more to it then that. My home is too messy. I can not clean my home because nothing has a place where it belongs. I can only pack up out of the mess. I just cant describe it, or explain it, but my brain understands it.

Decluttering really is on my shoulders. I can not expect anyone to come in my home and make the decision of keep or DI for me.

And it is bigger then the move. Even after the move. I want to start to find happiness. I am afraid if I add to my life another commitment that I can not fulfill I will jeopardize my happiness. I need space and room and time in a relaxed environment. That is where I thrive. I cant explain how stress shuts me down. And NOTHING stresses me more then what others will think of me, of failing at an obligation.


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