- Purchased boxes
- Tested to see if the chickens will eat the bad rice
- Set Bags of Di with my mother to be washed
- Ordered a Dumpster
- Sorted Things in my back yard
- Started Cleaning my Carport
- Packed books
- Decluttered my office floor
- decluttered my kitchen counter
- Sorted my shoes
- cleaned kitchen floor
- Found and faxed all the paperwork needed for a mortgage
- signed and faxed allot of paperwork for our home purchase
- Cleaned out the van
- cleaned out DH’s car
15 things in 38 days. Most of them easy quick things. This level of productivity is too slow. I have a whole home to declutter, clean, and repair. And that is just the preparatory work before I move and remodel the new home, then move in.
I did not do anything all day today. I sat staring at a computer screen willing it to some how magically fix my flawed life, or I slept, or I bundled up and tried to get rid of this horrible feeling of being cold, or I stressed and I took the kids to a dentist appointment.
When I was stressed about my SIL coming I got allot done. And on other days I felt like I got allot done. But all I managed to do was love, teach, and feed the kids. This all felt good. But I have a home to declutter, pack, move, and repair…..
My SIL thought it would be a good idea for my niece to come and help me tomorrow. How am I to let someone into my inner sanctuary, who will only see failure, and wont understand the other dynamics that effect that.
It all could be one big excuses. Today might be a harder day because on Sunday I forgot about the concern of aluminum and ate a wonderfully yummy danish at my SIL’s home. That could be why I was thinking clearer one day, and had more hope one day, and now am in utter dismay and can’t think at all. Or it could be that I am just lazy, I enjoy feeling anxious and upset, and wasting time curled up in fetal position trying to get warm, or staring at a blank screen trying to force thoughts through my brain.
I bought a heavy metals urine test kit today online. I feel I am going to go crazy with this inability to do anything, or this feeling that I am a sham and really I could stand up and go clean my home if I would just do it. I just need to know if I do really have a problem, or if i am a hypochondriac or something that wants to be sick, and I make my body feel this way because I want to be sick.
My kids are enjoying them selves, talking and laughing, and every sound I hear makes me tense. I can not use my brain if noise is around. It gets too clogged up.
I can not have anyone help me. If the whole ward, or my whole family descended on my home garbage bags and scrub brushes in hand, I would leave them in the home and run away in my van. I could not stand up to them and tell them to go away, because I know I am not doing what i should. and I could not stand there and watch their amazement at my messed up life, and wonder what all this evidence really tells them about me, and I fumble and try to explain it, and… yuck.. I would run…. I could never stand up straight in the company or look them in the eye after that.
I think my husband should quit his second job and come home and clean and pack the house. While I pick up extra work at home hours. I can sit at a computer and talk. I just can not clean, declutter, organize, sort, all the time while surrounded by kids that need my attention, and run behind be undoing what I do.
It is like there is a wire missing. A million times a day I throw the get up and go clean switch. I yell it at myself. I talk nicely to myself. I plot and plan to myself. A million times a day I tell my self go and clean. But the connection between thought and ideas and actual doing, I am missing the connection, I do not have the proper wiring.
It is like any outside noise goes directly into my brain and I am unable to think of anything other then that noise. I am like a computer only able to process one application at a time, low RAM.
My husband cant quit his second job until we finish getting approved for our home.