Nothing is Getting Done

MMama3I know I have glorious looking to-do lists. But still nothing is getting done around my home. These are the things I can claim to have gotten done since August 28th.

  1. Purchased boxes
  2. Tested to see if the chickens will eat the bad rice
  3. Set Bags of Di with my mother to be washed
  4. Ordered a Dumpster
  5. Sorted Things in my back yard
  6. Started Cleaning my Carport
  7. Packed books
  8. Decluttered my office floor
  9. decluttered my kitchen counter
  10. Sorted my shoes
  11. cleaned kitchen floor
  12. Found and faxed all the paperwork needed for a mortgage
  13. signed and faxed allot of paperwork for our home purchase
  14. Cleaned out the van
  15. cleaned out DH’s car
15 things in 38 days. Most of them easy quick things. This level of productivity is too slow. I have a whole home to declutter, clean, and repair. And that is just the preparatory work before I move and remodel the new home, then move in.
I did not do anything all day today. I sat staring at a computer screen willing it to some how magically fix my flawed life, or I slept, or I bundled up and tried to get rid of this horrible feeling of being cold, or I stressed and I took the kids to a dentist appointment.
When I was stressed about my SIL coming I got allot done. And on other days I felt like I got allot done. But all I managed to do was love, teach, and feed the kids. This all felt good. But I have a home to declutter, pack, move, and repair…..
My SIL thought it would be a good idea for my niece to come and help me tomorrow. How am I to let someone into my inner sanctuary, who will only see failure, and wont understand the other dynamics that effect that.
It all could be one big excuses. Today might be a harder day because on Sunday I forgot about the concern of aluminum and ate a wonderfully yummy danish at my SIL’s home. That could be why I was thinking clearer one day, and had more hope one day, and now am in utter dismay and can’t think at all. Or it could be that I am just lazy, I enjoy feeling anxious and upset, and wasting time curled up in fetal position trying to get warm, or staring at a blank screen trying to force thoughts through my brain.
I bought a heavy metals urine test kit today online. I feel I am going to go crazy with this inability to do anything, or this feeling that I am a sham and really I could stand up and go clean my home if I would just do it. I just need to know if I do really have a problem, or if i am a hypochondriac or something that wants to be sick, and I make my body feel this way because I want to be sick.
My kids are enjoying them selves, talking and laughing, and every sound I hear makes me tense. I can not use my brain if noise is around. It gets too clogged up.
I can not have anyone help me. If the whole ward, or my whole family descended on my home garbage bags and scrub brushes in hand, I would leave them in the home and run away in my van. I could not stand up to them and tell them to go away, because I know I am not doing what i should. and I could not stand there and watch their amazement at my messed up life, and wonder what all this evidence really tells them about me, and I fumble and try to explain it, and… yuck.. I would run…. I could never stand up straight in the company or look them in the eye after that.
I think my husband should quit his second job and come home and clean and pack the house. While I pick up extra work at home hours. I can sit at a computer and talk. I just can not clean, declutter, organize, sort, all the time while surrounded by kids that need my attention, and run behind be undoing what I do.
It is like there is a wire missing. A million times a day I throw the get up and go clean switch. I yell it at myself. I talk nicely to myself. I plot and plan to myself. A million times a day I tell my self go and clean. But the connection between thought and ideas and actual doing, I am missing the connection, I do not have the proper wiring.
It is like any outside noise goes directly into my brain and I am unable to think of anything other then that noise. I am like a computer only able to process one application at a time, low RAM.
My husband cant quit his second job until we finish getting approved for our home.

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