Frozen

frozen womanThe truth is I am frozen somewhere between a midlife crisis and … tried four times, and I could not put down and what.

Part of me says, after 3 miscarriages in a row, a house fire, two moves… you are just exhausted.
Part of me says, get over that, the fire was back in march 2007.
Maybe it is a matter of health, I stopped taking my meds for herbs, and now have stopped taking my herbs for… ?
Yes health is a factor for sure.

November 22nd 1996, I married my best friend, and jumped into married life with grand plans of homemaking.  Twelve years later, homemaking on of my top occupations, and still I fail just as bad at it as I did 12 years ago.
Motherhood – ok I can do that, I like that, it has it moments, but I see successes in that area.
Homeschooling – good there also, joy and happiness are there, along with the moments.
Working at home – going well, a bit of a learning curve, but on a good trend.
Wife – Hum… Wow… I could do allot more there.
Homemaking – complete and utter fail.
Homemaking has been my #1 new years resolution since I was first married.  12 years later… utter fail.  Little to no noticeable improvement, truly.
After the fire I finally could complete my plan.  I had all that extra money I could spend on just the right organizers and stuff.  I had my home done up pretty, decorated, and organized.
Then… I don’t know what…
Was it miscarriage #3 that did me in?
My home was already starting to unravel before that, but I do believe I was still trying.
After miscarriage #3 all trying stopped.  My attitude is why bother.
Could it be the adjustment of working at home….?
Yes… things did get worse then.
Could it be the discomfort of having my sister live her….? Yes
But what of those can I solve…
Health – My #1 enemy is my difficulty remembering things.  If I take medication I forget to take it everyday and my dosage gets totally out of whack.  If I take herbs they are more gentile  and can weather the occasional forgetting, but eventually I am forgetting everyday anyways, or actively avoiding then through some strange sense for failure….. I think I need to schedule an appointment with Dave at Dave’s Nutrition and discuss the memory problems.
Work – Wait until Jan 18th and you get the better schedule that will help allot.
Those are what I can change….
Then after that, how is anything I do in homemaking going to be anything different then all my attempts before that failed.  I have read so many books, and tried so many new approaches.  I am almost out of any new ideas.
I had a thought the other day about how I homeschool successfully.  I homeschool through confidence in my own inspiration from the Lord.  It is just that simple.  I view raising my children as a three way contract between me and the Lord.  I have total confidence he will provide me with the answers and resources I need to homeschool.  Could I use this same method with homemaking??  I am sure I could, difference is this method came naturally to me with homeschooling, and with homemaking it will require faith.  And I have  little to no faith in my homemaking.  Maybe that is why it always fails, lack of faith.
Herbs and faith, those are the best answers I can come up with at this time.
Jeanine
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